Flying Ant

When I was around seven I was in the primary school lunch hall, and getting ready to eat my smiley face potatoes, and artificial meat product from one of those weird plastic plates with indented areas for each bit of your meal. 

The dinner lady threw different bits of dinner in the different sections with reckless abandon and I went and sat down to eat at one of the long foldaway tables. At this point I was a big fan of salt and pepper and the teachers foolishly had decided to leave the shakers on the table for us to help ourselves. I felt overcome with power, I felt like a condiment GOD.  I couldn't help myself. I poured that sun'bitch all over my smileys until they were almost buried, 

As I tucked in, the saltyness hit me, and I felt a tightness begin to build in my throat until...

I sprayed a cloud of pepper and mashed potato directly into the face of the kid opposite me, causing a kind of mace-like-effect which looked like it temporarily blinded him. I was too busy dealing with the salty horribleness going on in my mouth at the time to be much use to him. I downed a glass of water, eyes streaming, and then stared down at my food feeling wronged by the salt and saw there was a flying ant making a snow angel in my smiley face wonderland.

I freaked out. An insect. In my food. Had I already eaten one? Had I created the perfect home for insects and where they about to burst out of the woodwork and leap onto my plate?

My salty and peppery throat combined with the idea of eating insects made me feel sick. So I got up, ran to the toilet, dry heaved. Walked out, and was confronted by a teacher


"I.. I felt sick"


This guy then marched into the toilet, then came back out.

"I don't see any vomit. You are lying. Why did you leave the dinner hall without tidying your plate away?" 

"There was a... a fly..n.ant on my food" 


"no a flying ant"


Lessons Learned - Do not drown food in salt and pepper, and do not rush to the toilet to be sick without clearing your plate away correctly or an uppity teacher will make you miss the first half of fairly odd parents.  

Minecraft Thriller

I made you something for halloween :)


This year I will be taking part in Nanowrimo.

Nanowrimo stands for national novel writing month, and it is the eccentric, outlandish pursuit of finishing a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. 

I am excited. 

If you live in the Shire, then come to weekly meetings in town and hang out and write at coffee republic on Sundays 2pm - Store closes. 

I have a few rough ideas about what I want to do, but nothing set in stone as of yet.

You can read more about Nanowrimo at